Celly Belly

At the turn of the century I moved to the front range of the Rocky Mountains to work for a lively dot com startup providing B2B software solutions for healthcare providers. Having planned for the move about five years earlier while living and working on the Gulf Coast, renting a split-level home with Pikes Peak towering overhead just a few miles to the west and a Bear Creek Park trailhead within short walking distance of the house, I was thoroughly enjoying the new experiences and sensations of life near the mountains. Every weekend was filled with delightful play out hiking, biking, canoeing, kayaking, overlanding, etc. in addition to stepping out to perform at open-mic venues around town. Audiences were appreciative and invitations to perform at other venues and private parties soon began rolling in. I was happy and content.

Then an idiot driving while yakking on his cell phone shattered it all by running a red light and smashing his minivan into me. Upon collision, I caught a glimpse of the red light-running asshole with his cellphone pressed to his ear, an expression of shock wrenching his face.

After the collision, the idiot attempted to run, so I punched the gas and to my surprise was able to pursue him in my baddly-damaged vehicle. I intended to catch up with him even if I had to burn the engine out. Finally pulling over into a parking lot when he realized I was not going to give up, we exited our vehicles and I advanced toward him aggresively shouting "That's what happenes when you use a cellphone while driving!" Taking a step or two backwards away from me, I realized the pudgy dumbass was not worth risking an assault charge. Then the cops arrived and began investigating. Several eyewitnesses appeared nearby and began making statements to the officer on my behalf and giving me their contact information in case I needed their testimony in court. Impressed and touched that they had followed us all the way down to the parking lot to offer their help, I expressed my deepest gratitude to them while glaring hard at the culprit that had so selfishly caused so much disruption.

I looked inside the red light runner's minivan and saw a child's seat and toys scattered about. Toys a toddler woudl prefer to play with. The entire side of the minivan which had raked mine, sustaining heavy damage including rear passenger windows having shattered. Chunks of tinted glass filled the empty child's seat and surrounded the toys. Before I realized it, I was yelling angrily at the red light running dipshit again, exclaiming how fortunate it was that his kids weren't onboard with him. Bystanders nodded agreement with my take and a cop gently urged me to back off and stay calm. The portly minivan driver rocked back and forth in place, looking sweaty and relieved, but still wary of me, clutching his precious cell phone in hand against one side of his pot belly.

I've remembered that rotund little red light running jerk as Mr. Celly Belly ever since.