The Birthday Interview

(a 250-word story)

Colby Sparcs rose at sunrise and began preparing for a day he had been looking forward to for decades. Ten decades, four years and seven hours to be precise. Within three hours he would be on live television being interviewed as one of three hometown centenarians politely questioned by the attractive pair of anchorpersons–one man and one woman–Colby could not for the life of him recall names of even though he saw them on the set several times a year when he deigned to turn it on.


His shower was hot, long and soothing. The shave smooth and nick free. A barely required brush passed over barely existent hair on his scalp. His best suit and tie with a fine silk shirt still in pristine condition and shoes he could see himself in. No spats, although he had to think about that for a spell. And no hat. The shine of his bald head was more effective for what he wanted to accomplish during the interview.


Arriving at the studio, he and the other two centenarians were treated like royalty as they were positioned in their soft seats for the program. Cameras swung their way. Someone counted down from five, and it was showtime.


The good looking anchorwoman started with him, “Mr. Sparcs, at 104 years you look to be in good shape. To what do you attribute your long life and good health?”


Without hesitating, and possibly just a bit too eagerly he replied, “Daily masturbation.”